Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
No chill.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them