Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room