“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
They also CAN sing✌️
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap