Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉