[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.