My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay