“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
O Wise One….
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Time heals everything 🙂
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!