If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
i hate you platonically
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.