Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: