I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Tuesday
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
can’t talk my ride’s here
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs