My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced