jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
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My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
why I oughta
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
reviewed some movies recently
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.