I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.