My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
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What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.