How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
🤣✨#caturday
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’