My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Ummm
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.