Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My dad teaching me to drive
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
#FunnyLife Insects
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP