Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
She puts the hot in psychotic
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Realize this:
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history