me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You Might Also Like
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Just had my nails done!
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
found my next D&D character name
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise