You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.