“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Dishonest mechanic?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.