My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it