“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want