you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.