Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Netflix and awkward silence?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.