Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.