Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*