breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?