If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Remember folks 😂
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.