Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
i’m sure it’s fine
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.