‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear