Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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Something Saturday.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
😂💯
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Scream sneezers need love too.
Stonehinge
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me