hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
doing your own taxes
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.