Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person: