I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
You Might Also Like
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”