Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Money is the root of all wealth
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times