this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer