Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.