[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
he’s sick of your bullshit today