If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Brother?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause