*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
dads on road-trips be like