October already? What’s next? November????
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license