under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.