[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep