Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.