Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
motivation
Damn he played himself
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*