You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
LMAO
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.