*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Love is in the air fryer.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.