[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Sing it!
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it