Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
For the baby who has everything
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.